day-to-day:
Hannah and i talked a hell of a lot today. she's making this a lot easier to deal with. i told her about mail guy and she offered to leave the room whenever i needed her too. she also offered to let me stay with her when we get out because we get out within a few days of each other, so that was nice.

no dr favero again so i had to deal with dr lyons again. it was easier to concentrate this time but i still let my mind wander more than with dr favero. he gave no indication that he reads the blog but he asked strangely personal questions the entire session. still on-topic, i guess but only slightly. tomorrow is the last day he's my substitute doc and then he's back off to his normal clinic in fort lauderdale so i don't have to manage much longer.

no Roth today either. i ate lunch with a couple of people from my group therapy. the woman who tried to kill herself after her husband left her for a man is actually really nice.

okay, now the backstory bullshit:

you'd think i'd have avoided Katja's mistakes but no. i moved in with Hank, the guy i was seeing at the time. i didn't even know his last name until i'd been living with him for a few weeks. he was a small time drug dealer too and had, in fact, known Freddie C.

i lived with hank for almost six months and every night he went out to peddle his wares the neighbor would come over and fuck me. hank was so doped up all the time that he probably fucked me all of a dozen times in those six months so i had to get it somewhere, right?

six months in to our whirlwind romance hank got himself indebted to the wrong people and they broke his legs. with him stuck at home all the time i had to keep coming up with creative reasons to leave the house for long stretches at a time in order to steal away to the neighbor's place.

and when i was unable to do so i had to do more and more blow in order to be able to tolerate Hank which, along with killing my insides, just made the money situation worse. hank tried everything he could think of to drum up the money he owed but kept coming up short. finally, worthless sack of shit that he was, he figured it out.

he gave me to the guy he owed the money to in exchange for a clear debt. i was too fucked up too resist at the time - in fact i barely remember it.

the guy i was given to, Kash, wasn't a drug lord or anything, just a bigger deal than hank would ever be. he was attractive physically but had the most unpleasant personality of anyone i have met (before or since). he refused to call me by name, instead i was whore, slut, cocksucker - whatever he thought of at the time.

i cooked and cleaned for him. i sucked his cock and let him fuck me. i sucked his friends cocks and let them fuck me. he kept me so high that i scarcely resisted most of the time and whenever i did i was forced into a dog collar and made to crawl around on the floor until i willingly did whatever was being asked of me.

finally one night, after i was gangraped by Kash and a dozen of his friends i lay in my bed crying myself to sleep, i resolved to run away. i wasn't a slave. i wasn't under some nefarious contract. it was own weakness keeping me in that house, in that bed.

it took another few weeks to find the oppurtunity to leave since there was always someone there with me. and i think Kash knew what was coming because for those last few weeks he more brutal to me than ever. i still have a tattoo on my ass that says "worthless whore" from that time.

but finally one day i was left alone for some reason and i left. i didn't pack anything, i just stole as much oney as i could find and i left. to this day i wonder why he's never come after me - i took nearly five grand.

but i took the money and ran. thus i came to florida.


alright, enough story for know. dr favero better be happy with that for a while because this is dredging up some incredibly dark and depressing memories and feelings. i don't think i'll write more backstory for a while, sorry doc.